Stream of consciousness...

It only stands to reason that each experience adds to the richness of your world view. So as we get older, we have a more comprehensive understanding of life and everything in it. Since it is limited by our experiences, the path you walk, the things you interact with all shape your truth. Even your physical capability to engage affects your reality. Its as simple as a color blind person not being able to see the color difference between a leaf on a tree and a bright red shirt, but also that fact that you cannot absob everything in a room or in an moment at one time. You almost triage the room. You determine what is important in understanding the room. Cause that's what its all about, right? Understanding. So you can feel comfortable and safe and have some sort of ability to predict and quite possibly control you environment, your next moment, the future. Its probably, in part, because we are animals who have an instinctual drive to survive. It is also in part because the only true control we have is over ourselves and that is pretty scary. Well, we control our behavior, but not our health or death and that is even scarier if you thought about it we rarely do... it just drives our understanding. Through understanding we make connections with others and if you suspend your own reality for just a moment, you can see throught the eyes of another. Not competely, but we could empathize and take on the emotions of another with our own personal twist. That's why we're so strategic with what we encounter because they forever become apart of us. Not just a shared path but part of the essence of us. Cause that's what we are. We are the unique combination of energies from everything we have ever encountered that is us. That's the energy that transcends death. The image we leave with those who took with them part of us.

The ever-changing journey....

Finally, after 2 years, I have adjusted to being a mostly stay at home mom of two girls. It was quite a change for me to transition from one child to two. When it was just my oldest and I, there were moments of peace and privacy. Not as much as before kids, but all the same I had moments. However, having an infant and a two year old, those moments disappeared. They never seemed to sleep at the same time, complicated by post-partum hormones and a lack of sleep. I knew it would be a challenge, but the knowledge did not ease the transition. Going back to work for the first time presented new hurdles that I overcame and now, are almost routine. I have finally found the balance and it seems so far away how overwhelmed I once was. Seems like the right time to change things up, doesn't it? That might explain the positive pregnancy test... here we go again!

So, I begin my metamorphosis into "Mommy of 3." I am consumed with excitement, fear and wonder. I am ever so grateful for this opportunity, yet scared of what the future holds. The one good thing is I know I will do amazing. It will be challenging and the transition will be hard, but I can do this. I can't wait to meet her/him. I am going to cherish every moment on this journey even the hard ones because one day I will miss these moments. As I continue on this journey, it evolves and so do I. Here's to a healthy pregnancy, to meeting the final piece of my heart and to the woman I will become.

Mommiversary

My First Born, now Four Yrs Old

Recently, I celebrated my 4th mommiversary. Every woman hears how fast children grow before becoming a mother, yet she is surprised by just how fast time really does fly. No matter how many years have passed, every mother I encounter says it was just yesterday when each of her children entered this world. I still feel like such a novice in the role of mother, but when I reflect on my journey, I realize that I have changed so much. My mind cannot even imagine the woman I will become as I continue to evolve as Mother.

The moment I saw two lines appear on the pregnancy stick, I was in sheer euphoria with the dreams of the life that was to come. Pregnancy is so surreal. More than likely, you have done "the act" a million times of no consequence yet, this once, a miracle occurs. Right after euphoria, follows the very different feeling of fear. Will the pregnancy make it? Will the child be healthy? Will I be a good mother? The existence of contradictory emotions in the same moment is your first introduction into the complexities of being Mother.

There was a time when I thought I was a horrible mother, not because I truly was, but because thoeretically, I knew what a mother was "supposed" to be and I failed to meet my expectation. That's the fun of "supposed to's" you can imagine just about anything even if it is impossible to actually exist. Each day that passed and every mother I met, reinforced that I was the perfect mother for my daughter. Nobody else cared as deeply or knew her as well as I. I learned that every mother has insecurities in her ability since our love is so deep and we are scared to ruin this precious life we have created. I used to look towards others for validation that I was doing ok, but soon I realized there are a million ways to mother and I should look towards my daughter's happiness as an indicator.

These past four years has taught me that I am stronger than I ever perceived myself to be, a better mother than I gave myself credit for and that motherhood is a blessing. Not only do I have two amazing daughters who fill my life with pride and joy, but also this path has taught me more about myself than any previous journey. I have emerged a more beautiful person than I could have imagined and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings! So, today, I celebrate my mommiversary.

Vacation?

Disney World is a magical place where dreams come true and pockets empty. LOL. Just as my parents did, my husband and I honeymooned in Magic Kingdom. Since the number seven is of great significance to my husband and I, we wanted to return for our seventh anniversary with our girls. You only live once, right?

I am very blessed with generally well behaved children. My youngest's favorite word is "no" and she even yells it at strangers, but she and her sister are easy to manage. I didn't realize the perfect storm that was about to happen. The stimulations of new environment, coupled with the excitement of their fantasies manifesting in front of their very eyes, lack of sleep and routine, all melded together to create two of the most amazingly challenging children I have ever dealt with in my life. I swear there were moments that my daughters grew horns and tails and cackled at their mother's inability to understand. Thankfully, there was always an adult beverage to help me keep things in perspective. Tantrums, screaming, running, oh my!

Although there were moments of sheer frustration, there were many more moments that brought tears to my eyes. When each of my daughters met their favorite princess or the moment I learned my youngest prefers Donald Duck to any other character or when Aladdin gave my girls a flower, I could feel the happiness well in my eyes. I would not have wanted to be anywhere else, but in that exact moment sharing that experience with them. Having my husband by my side for an entire week as a united team returned the magic to full force.

It is a week since I came back from vacation and I am still exhausted. I thought vacation meant relaxation. What happened?

Our Story

My aunt lived up the block, yet I never saw him. During high school, I had friends that lived on the same block as his, but we frequented the same location at different times. While he went to school, I worked nearby and watched with my friend the good looking men that came and went from his building. He could have been one of them, but he was just part of the scenery at that time. Insignificant... at least, not yet significant.

Our lives seem entwined since the moment we were conceived. We had the same due date. I showed up a little early. He arrived just 20 days later. Our paths seem parallel; similar experiences shaping similar people creating similar understandings about the world around us. Far from the same, we take different roads to get to the same place, but we seem to want to be in the same place. We are both left-handed and we can't purse our lips to whistle, only a smile will do. Just mere coincidence, yet, uniquely shared.

"A diamond in the rough," was what he called me when our paths finally crossed. I had to laugh... silly line, but he was not chasing me. He just took notice and went along his way. Did he know I wished to meet a guy like him one day in the future so, I could spend the rest of my life with him? I knew that it was you that I wanted, but I had no idea it was YOU. The gravitational spin just kept throwing us back together until shortly when it never let us part. We had both come out of long relationships with those who were not for us. He told me he just wanted to be friends... I agreed, but we have not spent a night apart since that moment.

My grandmother, before she passed, had told me that I would know "the one" when I met him. Little did she know what a skeptic I was. In hindsight, I know she brought us together. We met in Palisades Park, the town with the same name as  the amusement park where my grandmother first met my grandfather at all those years ago. Our first apartment was a short block from the town she lived in when she met her love. The day we were approved for a home loan, my uncle/her son changed the locks on a house for sale for the same amount (no houses were going that low at that time). Our future home. Shortly after, we found out that my grandmother's life started in the same town and she had gone to school at the school where her great-grandchildren will go. Actually, no one knew until her sister heard where I lived and shared their story.

Stories of soul mates and love at first sight always seemed ridiculous to me, but yet, I have now seen the wellspring of these fanciful tales. Who knows if its happily ever after or just happily right now. What does it matter? With him, I want today to last forever.

Happy Birthday my love. Thank you for being exactly you. You make this journey more than I ever thought could be. You took my tear drop and showed me the rainbow inside, you are my soul's prism.

A New Page

December and January are quite a whirlwind for me. There are so many beginnings and endings that happen in such a brief amount of time. My birthday, Christmas, NewYear's, my husband's birthday, our anniversary, and both daughters birthdays all within a 6 week time frame. Each calendar year, from my perspective, represents a year in my life. A clear segment in the evolution of the person I am becoming. The closing of a calendar marks another year since I was born, married, been a mom, been a mother of of 2. I almost envision it in my mind like a chapter in a book and tonight, I turn a page. Tonight, the bold print will be centered on the page and it will say "2011" in large font. I do not know exactly where in this book the chapter appears. Hopefully, it is in the beginning of the book, but it could be near the end. The previous chapter promises of happiness and love who knows where it will take us.

I talk a lot about seeing myself as flawed, but that is not quite accurate. People aren't flawed, they just are... the very nature of being  alive is that every quality can be positive or negative depending on its relationship with the particular set of circumstances. I think of human beings as masses of genectic substance that are inherently us. This essence drives use to be a certain way and want certain things, but doesn't dictate our being. This substance is shaped and molded by the world around us. Our experiences, whether we perceive them as being good or bad, result in each of us being completely unique. Through our shared experiences, we gain similar understandings of our world. We cannot survive without those connections to others. Each year, I can feel the evolution of who I am. I am just a little more knowledgeble that the year before. I realize which connections help me to thrive and which are okay to let go. I learn about myself through others. Each interaction gives us the opportunity to choose a reaction. These choices can teach you volumes about yourself and others. I learned a lot this year.

Somewhere in this novel, the protagonist forgot who she was, however as the chapter, "2010" closes, she begins to realize her passive journey does not fulfill her active mind. The protagonist feels the light emerging in her heart, she realizes she has a calling. She does not quite know yet what it is, but the energy, the spirit, is calling her... calling to her essence. She is confident in one fact: she will take each experience as it comes and she can't wait to meet the woman who emerges.

HAPPY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!

Suspension of Disbelief

There is an agreement between actors and their audience. You may not even realize it, but while you are watching others act, you have agreed to suspend reality and accept the world as they depict it. It is their job to provide you with all the tools you need to do so such as a storyline that smudges the lines between the common perception of reality and the perspective of the actor/playwright. It allows you to be swept away by the breeze and immersed into the murky depths of another world. It allows you to experience, for a moment in time, the existence of fairies, goblins, magic and that good always prevails. There is no consequence for buying into these alternate realities for a spell just the possibility of a unique experience where we can transcend the limits the physical worlds presents us.

As children, we do not need a particular situation to agree to believe... children just believe. Through their eyes, the world is full of possibility. They are unaware of its bounds for they have never experienced them. Why can't a snowman survive in the summer? or Santa look different every time he is seen? Children want to believe in the things that give them pleasure and joy. When given a glass with water to the middle line, they are happy to have water and see the promise of fun which may emerge. She sees the possibilities of faith. She wants to live in a world full of mystery because she does not fear the unknown. Her spirit is pure. She does not know pain. She does not worry that life may not live up to her vision of the world.

My journey was like most, long and winding. At the perfect point in time, when I stopped believing in all that made this world extraordinary, my daughters came into my life. They have taught me that even though I have experienced the boundaries of this world and know that darkness can be in light, I can choose to suspend those feelings and remember the magic of the possibility... the possibility born of hope.