Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The monkey on my back...

As far back as I can recall, I remember the intensity of my emotions. The was a time when my emotions would be so overwhelming that I would ask God to take it away. Over the years, the way it presents itself has been different, but it always has to be cared for... its the monkey on my back.

I am not a sad person, just someone with very deep feelings. Depression is physiological... I am hard wired to perceive my world differently. There was a time when a very damaged person had the choice between bearing his own burden and sharing it with me. He chose to pass along his pain to another generation and triggered my first battle. Thankfully, I had parents who recognized that the monkey had grown and could see me struggling with life. Over the years, I have learned to harness my unique perception. Motherhood has made me rethink every component of life I once held to be true. Whether it is due to the experience of motherhood, the hormonal changes or complete overhaul to my value structure, life is good not a challenge. My monkey may be smaller, but its still there. Pulling my hair, begging for attention that I will not entertain. She affects my ability to deal with stress, so, I try to slow down and make sure I find the beauty in every minute.

This blog was a way for me to do just that... express my thoughts and and perhaps let my words create something bigger, better perhaps like a raindrop that becomes a rainbow. The challenges of pregnancy, a tough semester at work and my challenges coping with stress made me have to slow down. I have 2 of the most amazing little women who look to me for how to view this world. I need to show them the beauty of this world not my monkey, so, I have to make sure I see it. I had to drop a ball or two so, I didn't have to struggle with the most precious ones that remained. I worked so hard to build this space so, its hard to watch the tumbleweeds roll... hell, even some of my friendships have faded away with misguided perceptions.

I love who I am and do not look to others for validation. I have learned to embrace my capacity to feel and accept that I will always have to work on maintaining balance. It is not about strength. I have held my monkey high and through all types of terrain even in the darkest of moments, I will strive for light. I have come to decide that pretending the monkey doesn't exist is like being ashamed of a part of myself & I am not. I'd like you to meet my monkey... I think I'll name her, Rose. :-)