The end of a trimester...the greener dawn

I am officially out of the first trimester today! Hooray! I am finally starting to feel, once again, like my non-reproducing self. The pregnancy still seems so surreal. Pregnant for months, struggling with symptoms that were my only proof I was pregnant. Knowing that soon I will feel the baby move and be able to cherish our time together. Then, giggle because soon after the discomfort of the next trimester will soon arrive.

The heightened emotions made me think a lot about finances and life. At the same time, we discover that my husband has high blood pressure. In an effort to control that, he has to eat more fruits and vegetable.My husband is quite particular about what he eats. He'll tell you he just expects it to be fresh, but the supermarket is never fresh enough. We found this site online Suburban Organics that delivers farm fresh organic produce to your door for a reasonable price. I know I sound like an advertisement, but it just fit our needs. It really does make me feel good. If my family is eating more fruits and vegetables, its nice to not have to worry about the pesticides and how it can affect us. Strangely enough, or food bill went down. Not dramatically, but  without the chips and prepared foods, the food bill lowered even with the expense of organic fruits and veggies.


Do you see the chain reaction? My husband needs to improve his health (Hell, we all do!), so, we start eating organic fruits and veggies. This got me thinking of what other changes I would like to make that I haven't done before... I started cutting up old towels for rags and using my dish towels more. I have a dishwasher, so, I should use the dishes more frequently. Cutting down on paper plates and paper towels has to lower our spending. Then, it dawned on me. Cloth diapers. Can it really be that hard? I know myself and this is up my alley. I have always wanted to use them, but I didn't know where to begin and it seemed to fit to a personality that was not me. Today was my first day. I went well. It was almost exciting... if the intrigue doesn't wear off,  baby#3 will only know cloth.

Somehow when I listen to a description of myself, I did not think THAT woman would ever be me. Yet, here I am: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, recycling, organic-eating, cloth diapering, pregnant mother of 2 going on 3. Not quite the dedicated environmental person I envisioned with Birkenstocks and hemp skirt with a carbon footprint of zero, but a Mom just trying to do what she thinks is best for her family and hoping in the end, it was worth it. 

The Irony of Pregnancy

Is it just me or is there  a certain irony to being pregnant? Pregnancy is this beautiful and precious thing that is to be cherished and loved. I am bringing a child into this world. Depending on what you believe, this child may seen as the ultimate in divine gifts. I am special for being able to do this three times and my biggest worry is for the pregnancy to not be perfect. There are so many who are unable to feel the amazement of her own biological child grow in their womb. Feeling and experiencing pregnancy makes you privileged. Pregnancy is awe inspiring and magical.

Is it just me or does it feel quite the opposite sometimes? I was just about to write "women," but the truth is some women have great pregnancies. Some are almost unaffected by the overall process. This woman is thoroughly affected. I do not do well overtired and I'm tired all the time. I have spent weeks on end feeling nauseated and struggling to just get through a day, better yet, just get through a meal. (This has gotten much better) My hormones are in full gear. I can almost feel them wash over me at times. If I wasn't pregnant, I would be begging for Prozac, but since I am, I remind myself that its the hormones that have grasped my sense of reality. My 4 year old has just entered the stage of crying over everything just to see if she can get her way. It has never worked before so, it actually feels like she is testing my boundaries to see how hard she can push and if she can reach a new level, perhaps the level where I will cave. My 2 year old has begun the, "I love you Mama" stage where she cannot spend a minute without me and it breaks my heart that I won't be able to dote on her the same way in 6mths. The class I teach had doubled in size from last semester and the level of reading/grading has done the same just as my attention span has had decreased and my ability to concentrate.

I want this baby more than anything and I am so blessed to have this opportunity, but sometimes I think why is something so wonderful sometimes be so horrible? Then, I knock on wood and feel guilty for the thought. Next, I pray for the second trimester when the pregnancy is a little less ironic.

Channeling Supermom... please come-in Supermom... Supermom where are you?

Ok, so, seriously, how do other moms get it done and appear so effortless? I have been struggling through my days with constant indigestion and nausea. I am tired and trying to balance part-time work with full-time mothering. My part-time work requires so much mental energy. Most work does. We all know that deep thought while taking care of kids is almost impossible. Let alone truly provide for the amount of time actually necessary to complete the tasks. Yes, I am pregnant, but I am not the first woman to be pregnant while raising two kids and balancing work and well, more work. Just getting over a stomach virus looking at how far behind I am... wondering... almost desperately...

I can't be the only one that feels like I'm always two steps behind. I once compared being the mother of two to running up two separate moving stair cases at the same time and feeling the momentum. Its just fast enough that I am only on the tips of my toes, deciding which stairs I can miss without falling on my face. Other moms have clean homes, kempt children, plan meals in advance, know how to coupon and budget, all the while working, working out and may even write in a Blog on a regular basis. I know Supermom does not exist, but it seems like she's everywhere I'm not. I am an overweight, not very eco-friendly (but would like to be), over-extended momma who is trying to figure out how to get out of my habit of shopping at box stores (double carts fit 2 kids) out of convenience and begin my learning to strategize our food since the new family member will tighten an already tight budget. I know I can do it. I have faith I can, but am I scared that I may not be able to keep it afloat? I used to cringe when I heard "its the economy," yet, since my husband works in the service industry and every price has gone up while money has gone down, it IS the damn economy. I soon get scared since we are adding to out family. Yes, I said it. Fear pulses through my body every so often on a stray thought not just about the health of my child in my body, but of my ability to provide, mentally, physically and monetarily for my child. It is soon swatted away by the pure confidence that my family is not yet complete and life is better when shared and lived thoroughly. We can get through anything as a team.

So if there is a way to channel a spirit or conjure her energy, I need to be Supermom or at least be her student if only for a little while. I want to excel in everything I do or at least learn how to appear like I am.