Monday, March 15, 2010

The best of both Worlds

Not quite a stay at home mom (SAHM), and not quite a working mom... I can have it all right?

Years before ever having a child, I wanted to stay home with my kids. I did not want to miss all of the little things that pass by so quickly. I soon realized that staying home wasn't really up to me. Could we afford it? How would we manage? Could we sacrifice enough? Luckily, I was able to stay at home for the first months of my children's lives. I starting working while each was approx. 6 months.

Those first months taught me a lot about the challenges of being a SAHM. Nobody values your time. They see you as always free when it is really quite the opposite. People are always commenting about how much or little you are able to accomplish and how they feel about it... as if they are giving you an employee review. It gets lonely. Little problems can grow big because you are immersed in children. You pounce on your husband after work and beg him to fulfill your need for social interaction, but his fried brain always falls short. No time for anything, yet always free. You almost become an island... not quite sure where the water begins and you end.

My job is not the ordinary job. I work only 2 days a week, but the preparation for class follows me home. I am only out of the house for ten hours, but for hours, I have two jobs: mom & teacher. It is always a struggle the first days of the semester. I never want to leave my girls, but after the first day, I am thrilled to have a moment to myself. I am able to be myself, not Mom. I am able to actually meet and succeed challenges... not just manage the issues that never go away.

Having a foot in each door, makes me feel like I am master of none. My time away is tainted with guilt... home yet, work is still there keeping me away... my time at home tainted with guilt. Mothering is a 24 hour a day job. To add more to the table is daunting at best, but adding the complexities of work, makes me feel overwhelmed. I am lonely and consumed without having the time away from home. The time at home forever impacted by the job. Women try to have it all, yet we can never truly obtain it. We are only human. The best of both worlds is not really the best... but it is both worlds and for that I am blessed.

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