Stream of consciousness...

It only stands to reason that each experience adds to the richness of your world view. So as we get older, we have a more comprehensive understanding of life and everything in it. Since it is limited by our experiences, the path you walk, the things you interact with all shape your truth. Even your physical capability to engage affects your reality. Its as simple as a color blind person not being able to see the color difference between a leaf on a tree and a bright red shirt, but also that fact that you cannot absob everything in a room or in an moment at one time. You almost triage the room. You determine what is important in understanding the room. Cause that's what its all about, right? Understanding. So you can feel comfortable and safe and have some sort of ability to predict and quite possibly control you environment, your next moment, the future. Its probably, in part, because we are animals who have an instinctual drive to survive. It is also in part because the only true control we have is over ourselves and that is pretty scary. Well, we control our behavior, but not our health or death and that is even scarier if you thought about it we rarely do... it just drives our understanding. Through understanding we make connections with others and if you suspend your own reality for just a moment, you can see throught the eyes of another. Not competely, but we could empathize and take on the emotions of another with our own personal twist. That's why we're so strategic with what we encounter because they forever become apart of us. Not just a shared path but part of the essence of us. Cause that's what we are. We are the unique combination of energies from everything we have ever encountered that is us. That's the energy that transcends death. The image we leave with those who took with them part of us.

The ever-changing journey....

Finally, after 2 years, I have adjusted to being a mostly stay at home mom of two girls. It was quite a change for me to transition from one child to two. When it was just my oldest and I, there were moments of peace and privacy. Not as much as before kids, but all the same I had moments. However, having an infant and a two year old, those moments disappeared. They never seemed to sleep at the same time, complicated by post-partum hormones and a lack of sleep. I knew it would be a challenge, but the knowledge did not ease the transition. Going back to work for the first time presented new hurdles that I overcame and now, are almost routine. I have finally found the balance and it seems so far away how overwhelmed I once was. Seems like the right time to change things up, doesn't it? That might explain the positive pregnancy test... here we go again!

So, I begin my metamorphosis into "Mommy of 3." I am consumed with excitement, fear and wonder. I am ever so grateful for this opportunity, yet scared of what the future holds. The one good thing is I know I will do amazing. It will be challenging and the transition will be hard, but I can do this. I can't wait to meet her/him. I am going to cherish every moment on this journey even the hard ones because one day I will miss these moments. As I continue on this journey, it evolves and so do I. Here's to a healthy pregnancy, to meeting the final piece of my heart and to the woman I will become.

Mommiversary

My First Born, now Four Yrs Old

Recently, I celebrated my 4th mommiversary. Every woman hears how fast children grow before becoming a mother, yet she is surprised by just how fast time really does fly. No matter how many years have passed, every mother I encounter says it was just yesterday when each of her children entered this world. I still feel like such a novice in the role of mother, but when I reflect on my journey, I realize that I have changed so much. My mind cannot even imagine the woman I will become as I continue to evolve as Mother.

The moment I saw two lines appear on the pregnancy stick, I was in sheer euphoria with the dreams of the life that was to come. Pregnancy is so surreal. More than likely, you have done "the act" a million times of no consequence yet, this once, a miracle occurs. Right after euphoria, follows the very different feeling of fear. Will the pregnancy make it? Will the child be healthy? Will I be a good mother? The existence of contradictory emotions in the same moment is your first introduction into the complexities of being Mother.

There was a time when I thought I was a horrible mother, not because I truly was, but because thoeretically, I knew what a mother was "supposed" to be and I failed to meet my expectation. That's the fun of "supposed to's" you can imagine just about anything even if it is impossible to actually exist. Each day that passed and every mother I met, reinforced that I was the perfect mother for my daughter. Nobody else cared as deeply or knew her as well as I. I learned that every mother has insecurities in her ability since our love is so deep and we are scared to ruin this precious life we have created. I used to look towards others for validation that I was doing ok, but soon I realized there are a million ways to mother and I should look towards my daughter's happiness as an indicator.

These past four years has taught me that I am stronger than I ever perceived myself to be, a better mother than I gave myself credit for and that motherhood is a blessing. Not only do I have two amazing daughters who fill my life with pride and joy, but also this path has taught me more about myself than any previous journey. I have emerged a more beautiful person than I could have imagined and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings! So, today, I celebrate my mommiversary.