|My First Born, now Four Yrs Old|
The moment I saw two lines appear on the pregnancy stick, I was in sheer euphoria with the dreams of the life that was to come. Pregnancy is so surreal. More than likely, you have done "the act" a million times of no consequence yet, this once, a miracle occurs. Right after euphoria, follows the very different feeling of fear. Will the pregnancy make it? Will the child be healthy? Will I be a good mother? The existence of contradictory emotions in the same moment is your first introduction into the complexities of being Mother.
There was a time when I thought I was a horrible mother, not because I truly was, but because thoeretically, I knew what a mother was "supposed" to be and I failed to meet my expectation. That's the fun of "supposed to's" you can imagine just about anything even if it is impossible to actually exist. Each day that passed and every mother I met, reinforced that I was the perfect mother for my daughter. Nobody else cared as deeply or knew her as well as I. I learned that every mother has insecurities in her ability since our love is so deep and we are scared to ruin this precious life we have created. I used to look towards others for validation that I was doing ok, but soon I realized there are a million ways to mother and I should look towards my daughter's happiness as an indicator.
These past four years has taught me that I am stronger than I ever perceived myself to be, a better mother than I gave myself credit for and that motherhood is a blessing. Not only do I have two amazing daughters who fill my life with pride and joy, but also this path has taught me more about myself than any previous journey. I have emerged a more beautiful person than I could have imagined and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings! So, today, I celebrate my mommiversary.